seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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