The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
