I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
