I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
