Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
