he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
