She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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