Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we're so committed to being not committed
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
