1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
