but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
