too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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