I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
