Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
