i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
