I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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