He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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