i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
