i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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