mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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