my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
