Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
