I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
