turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
