he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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