I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
