I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
