I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
