Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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