Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
