OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
