3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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