my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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