If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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