Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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