so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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