the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
