john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
