It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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