i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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