Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry my hands just texted you
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
