the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
