i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
