my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
