i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
