Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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