i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
