I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
