party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
