Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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