Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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