The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
