One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
