True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
