My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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