pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
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lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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