for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
