why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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